(2)
Complaining of Aches and Pains-
Unexpressed emotions such as those associated with depression and
anxiety are often expressed physically by headaches, stomachaches,
back aches and other physical problems. Geriatric clinicians call
these symptoms “psychosomatic” in that mental health concerns actually
manifest themselves in physical ways. The conversion of these
feelings into physical complaints may be especially relevant with
older men who may find it unacceptable to complain of sadness or
worrying, or even see mental health concerns as a sign of weakness.
(3)
Displaying False Bravado-
False bravado may be one of the most potentially dangerous self
deceptions for older men. It may cause them to climb a ladder to hang
their own Christmas lights although subject to dizziness, or shovel
snow drifts in subfreezing temperatures while having an existing heart
condition. It is an attempt to deny fear and to boldly stare danger in
the face, which could be deadly.
(4)
Exaggerating Helplessness-
Sometimes, older
men may also act as if they’re more needy then they really are. The
underlying feeling or issue may be related to the sadness of having
lost their spouse or other concerns of abandonment by family members.
Feigning helplessness induces caregivers to provide even more care
which may be comforting at first. Eventually however, the person may
become increasingly passive and may often complain incessantly. This
may lead to a downward spiral of increasing demands by the older
person and anger and resentment by the caregiver. The best approach
to this downward spiral is to encourage your elderly family member to
be more independent while assuring him that he will not be forsaken.
(5)
Doing Busywork-
This is one self-deception that an older man may even be aware of.
The goal of busywork is usually for the older gentleman to keep
himself very busy for fear of losing his mental faculties or sense of
productivity. The way to determine whether an activity is “busywork”
is if the goal is merely to take up time rather than to yield
productive results. Some older men immerse themselves in a flurry of
activities, meetings and hobbies to keep away guilty feelings about
not being productive in a society that has such a strong work ethic.
(6)
Digging in Their Heels-
Gerontologists believe that the elderly are about as flexible as any
other group. Elderly men who seem obstinate, unreasonably unyielding
or rigid may be trying to deal with their fears of feeling powerless.
Fear of losing control is frequently underneath obstinence or a
refusal to accept help.
(7)
Remembering Selectively-
Older women will
tell you that older men share a trait with their teenage grandchildren
that literally drives them crazy. They seem to hear and remember only
what they want to. They may ignore painful features of their current
experience and focus on pleasurable experiences from the past or only
the pleasant times in their current experiences. However, this is also
a form of denial used by all of us when we are experiencing
difficulties in our lives.
(8)
Idealizing-
Idealizing is a form of denial in which an older person may glorify
their past, their status or feelings of importance in order to defend
against feelings of regret about the life they have led or things they
have accomplished. There is a saying among middle-aged/older men
referring to this distortion related to their past athletic history
stating: “The older I get, the better I was.” This can be merely a
minor irritation if done to a lesser degree, but can also have an
alienating effect on family members who have to listen to it all of
the time.
(9)
Misdirecting Anger-This
last deception involves redirecting disagreeable feelings rather then
recognizing and dealing with them. Some older men (and women) may
find it too threatening to experience the anger they feel toward a
specific person, so they may shift their anger to a safer individual.
An example may be when anger is directed toward a caregiving child who
can be relied upon no matter what, rather then the child who never
visits (who may even visit less after a display of anger).
As with
individuals of all age groups, older men need to be more comfortable
with their ability to express their feelings in a direct, honest way
for the benefit of their wives and children, as well as their own
physical and mental health.
One
of the things geriatric mental health clinicians find out early in
their careers is that elderly men are extremely reluctant to honestly
recognize their feelings and to seek mental health care when it is
really needed. Frequently they seem to use little “self deceptions” to
keep their fears and true feelings at bay. This seems to be changing
slightly as men in general are becoming more psychologically oriented
and less apt to rely upon these self deceptions to keep your true
feelings at a distance. Rachelle Zukerman Ph.D. has compiled 9 ways
that elders hide their feelings with “self deceptions” in her book
Eldercare for Dummies: